Faint Lines

Hurry Hurry Hurry Wait Wait Wait

2009-10-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Do any of you feel like since you started trying to conceive that you live your life in two week cycles - Menstruation & Ovulation or Fertility Drugs & Two Week Wait?

Yesterday was CD 7 and between prenatal vitamins, supplements, Metformin and Femara I was taking 11 pills. ELEVEN. For me that is a ton. So much so that I had to buy an elaborate pill sorter so I could remember whether or not I had taken my crazy pills for the day.

Luckily none of them are horse pills.

However, having your month so fragmented makes me feel like I'm bipolar - one week I'm rushing from doctor appointment to acupuncture, swallowing handfuls of pills in the car with help from cold coffee and the next week I'm just waiting. Waiting to test, waiting for a second line, waiting for aunt flow. And they wonder why us ttc girls are crazy. They set us up to be nutcases!

I'm trying to take out a few minutes each day for relaxation. Having acupuncture twice a week helps so much (although having a 90 minute appointment after a 10 hour work day and 2 hours of round trip commuting does make for a long stressful day especially when I have a handsome husband, hyper Apollo, adorable puppy and persistant kitties waiting for me in my lovely home).

I love my home. I wish I got to spend more time IN my home instead of working all the time to PAY for it.

Speaking of which - Chris has a Big Boss (Mr #1) and a 2nd in Charge boss (Ms #2) directly above him and has about 4 other people that are in the same '3rd most powerful' job title that he is (Ms. M, Mr. A, Mr. R and Mr. K). Apparently he went to work yesterday only to find that Ms #2 in charge has taken it upon herself to tell Ms. M and Mr. A that she thinks that Mr. R is the best of all the '3rd most powerful'.

This sent Chris right over the edge - especially when the gossip spread through the store like wildfire and he was told by numberous outraged part timers. Everyone is agasp for multiple reasons:
1) How unprofessional! As a Boss, you shouldn't play favorites like that - and you should not make your thoughts known so publically.

2) Mr. R was transferrred to Christopher's store because at another store's employee party on a dinner boat he got so drunk that he got naked and ran around the ship. Multiple female coworkers filled sexual harrassment claims and Mr. R was quickly transferred to a different store. Because of Mr. R there is now a company wide policy of no alcohol at store parties. Yet he's the one with the most potential?

and 3) Chris busts his @$$ at work and is amazing at his job. He's had the best reviews out of all his coworkers for 3 straight years and Mr #1 has made the comment that he can easily see Chris having his job in a few years.

It didn't help that this all happened on the day that Chris was scheduled to open the store (at 4am) and slept in 30 minutes (which he's only done a handful of times in 7 years). Needless to say, Chris was having a pity party at home last night. His ego was pretty bruised. But I was proud of him for scheduling a meeting with Ms #2 to discuss her statements. We've agreed that after Chris is promoted to #2, I can stop working whenever I want to and be a SAHM (my dream!).

So to make it up to the part timers that were waiting in their cars for 30 minutes yesterday at 4 in the morning (and suck up to the bosses) I made dozens and dozens of wonderful chocolate chip cookies.

Chocolate cures everything.

Now if it would just make me ovulate!

Disappearing Act

2009-09-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm known on youtube for being super positive in my videos, and usually I have a positive outlook on this experience, but lately I've lost a little steam.

I was so pleased when a follicle grew last cycle and even though I had to have a shot in order to ovulate, I was still on such a high. I wasn't even crushed when the pregnancy test was negative. But this cycle has sucker punched me in the face: I took the same dosage of Clomid and for some reason, it just didn't work this cycle. Nothing showed up on the scan. It just feels like a giant leap backwards.

My doctor has lost a little faith in my body and wanted to just move on to injectables, but I asked if we could try femara first. She agreed and so I'm just waiting until I'm far enough into this cycle to take a hpt and start provera so that I can give femara a try.

HSG

2009-08-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

The Drama

When I called the clinic on cycle day two of cycle eight to let them know that I had not conceived, they suggested that I schedule my HSG this cycle.

The nurse, whom I'd never spoken with before, stated that I'd need to have the procedure performed between CD 6 and 10, so I let her know that I was going to aim for CD 8 - a Monday - since I don't work on Mondays. She let me know that I would have to start an antibiotic a few days before the procedure because of the catheter and that she'd send me a packed with the slip and a packet of information about the HSG since they outsource it to another clinic.

Monday morning came around and I realized that I had never received the packet of info in the mail and thus had not started the anitbiotic beforehand like was suggested. So I called the clinic to let them know what happened and asked for a phone call before my 9:45 appt. (pushy pushy Carla). A few minutes later I got a call from the HEAD nurse apologizing for the oversight. She stated that the Rx should have been called in the pharmacy instead of snail mailed and that the nurse had already been repremanded because she hadn't even made a note in my chart that I was getting an HSG and the packet was never even mailed. (I kindof feel bad for getting someone in trouble. But not too much. :)

So they asked me to pick up the Rx right after the procedure and to take it for the full 5 days.

The Procedure

I arrived at 9:40 and checked in with the receptionist. She took my insurance cards and asked a few allergy questions (because of the dye used). Then I sat down and opened the Redbook magazine to the cooking section. After oohhing and aahhing over a few chicken dishes, I was called back but a friendly nurse.

She showed me a few dressing room stalls and asked me to remover everything from the waist down and to put on this really long sweatshirt style gown (no slit up the back - woot!). I then walked across the hall into procedure room #1.

The nurse had me sit down on the table and outlined what to expect:

First I'd scoot down to the edge of the table - like in a pap - and the doctor would insert the speculum.
Then she'd swap the cervix with betadine solution.
Then she'd enter the catheter and a balloon to keep the tube and dye in place.

After everything was situated, I'd use my heels to push my but back on the table and lay down flat.
They they'd inject the dye.
In order to make sure it flowed completely through the fallopian tubes, she's have me roll up slightly on my right then left hips
And finally she'd take one more picture and then go over the results with me.

Then she left the room to go get the doctor and I shimmied over to my purse and snapped a photo of the room for y'all:

I barely made it back to the table before the nurse and (female) doctor walked back into the room - whew!

The procedure went exactly as she described. The speculum felt slightly larger than my ob's. I didn't really feel the catheter.

Then they had me lay back and the x-ray machine slide over my abdomin. Then they inflated the balloon - youch! - and injected the dye and I immediately felt FULL and BLOATED. There was serious discomfort as I got used to the volume in my uterus. Rolling up onto my hips didn't hurt at all.

When it was over the machine slide back and I was able to sit up.
WARNING: The nurse warned me that went it was over and the catheter and balloon were removed, I would sit up and the dye would come out much like a heavy menstrual flow. She warned that the dye was clear but sticky (like maple syrup) and gave me a few pantie-liners. It wasn't nearly as messy as I was expecting.

The Verdict:

My tubes were clear and there was no indication of blockage, endometriosis or fibroids. The only thing she noticed was that I had a very minor Arcuate concave characteristic to the top of my uterus. She said that it was within the normal variations of the shape of a uterus - not bicornate at all - and that the volume of my uterus looked great and that it shouldn't cause any problem at all. - Whew.

Sample HSG Xray Arcuate Uterus Images.
Mine isn't even as dipped in as these

Medical Talk: Arcuate Uterus
The arcuate uterus is usually an incidental finding during hysterosalpingography, and it appears as a mild smooth concavity in the uterine fundus instead of the more common straight or convex normal fundal contour. According to the American Fertility Society's classification, an arcuate uterus is considered a class VI müllerian anomaly. Nevertheless, an arcuate uterus is such a minor uterine malformation that it is considered a normal variant and is not associated with infertility or obstetric complications. It must be differentiated from the V-shaped fundus of the subseptate uterus and from an extrinsic compression caused by an intramural myoma.

Suggestions:
Take 600-800mg of pain killer 1 hour before the procedure.
Take the antibiotics as perscribed
Take the DAY OFF and schedule it for the morning - you'll want to relax afterwards.
Eat a smaller dinner and breakfast - excess stool can make the uterus shift positions and you'll be a little sore afterwards so you don't want to have to deal with constipation or anything.

Afterwards:

I had this procedure done early on Monday morning and had the whole day off. Thank goodness because by noon I was cramping excessively and just wanted to lay in bed and rest. I felt strange all day and was very lethargic. There were many times were Chris noticed that I was flushed then completely pale within minutes. I was also having hot flashes and a minor headache. This was probably due to the Clomid but because of the required timing of the HSG, it is possible that you'd have to deal with Clomid side effects after your procedure as well.

12 hours after the procedure I was beginning to feel better and tried to go to sleep. My cute 'little' pup Apollo jumped into bed with me and made the mistake of stepping 'on' my uterus. I screamed in pain. I was still very tender and aching.

24 hours later I feel better but occassionally cramp when I sit in certain positions.

Cycle 8 Game Plan

2009-08-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I got the go ahead from the Doctor to try 150mg of Clomid again. YAY!
The nurse made it sound as if this would be my last Clomid cycle, but why?
I've completed 3 cycles (50, 100 and 150mg) and this will be my fourth.
Only 1 (hopefully 2 by the end of this cycle) was/were successful.

So why would we move on to something stronger so quickly if we just found what was working? Seems strange, but maybe I just heard a tone was wasn't really there.
However, Dr. A did ask the nurse to set up another consultation appointment for around CD 25 to discuss the future.

There is no point in getting all anxious until I know somehting more solid than that, so I'll try to push the worry to the back of my mind and focus on this awesome cycle that I'm preparing:

CD 3 - 8/19 - Clomid
CD 4 - 8/21 - Clomid
CD 5 - 8/22 - Clomid
CD 6 - 8/23 - Clomid, Accupuncture
CD 7 - 8/24 - Clomid
CD 8 - 8/25 - Accupunture in AM, HSG in Afternoon
CD 9 - 8/26 -
CD 10 - 8/27 -
CD 11 - 8/28 -
CD 12 - 8/29 -
CD 13 - 8/30 - Follicle Study
CD 14 - 8/31 -
CD 15 - 9/01 - Possible Trigger Day/IUI
CD 16 - 9/02 - Possible Trigger Day/IUI
CD 17 - 9/03 - Possible Trigger Day/IUI
CD 18 - 9/04 -
CD 19 - 9/05 -
CD 20 - 9/06 - Accupuncture

Accupuncture - twice before Ovulation to help develop the follicle, once 5-7 days after Ovulation in order to relax uterus and aid implantation. Increased success rates in women with ovulation disorders to 44% in a NY study.

HSG - Clears out my tubes, checking for blockages, and increases the conception rates of subsequent cycles.

IUI - Fast Tracking the dudes right where they need to be.

These dates are flexible depending on how my body reacts to the Clomid and the size of the follicle(s).

Opinions?

Cycle 7 Recap

2009-08-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

So this cycle was not successful in that I'm not pregnant.
However, this cycle was monumentally successful in many other areas:

1) 150mg of Clomid works for me! I grew an 18mm follicle by CD 14
2) I hadn't ovulated by CD 17 so I got a trigger shot and it worked!
3) I can handle injectables if I need to - Chris was a great injector. :)
4) I saw my first REAL positive OPK.
5) I made it through my first 2ww.

Here is my completed chart for Cycle 7:

Things keep going up!

2009-08-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

If I learn one thing from infertility - besides compassion and the delicate dance of our hormones during the menstrual cycle - it will be patience.

I should have just waited before FREAKING OUT over my stalemate bbt chart.

Here it is now. Hotter and better than ever.

Look at that baby! For the first time EVER the trendline is going up!

I thought that my GOAL of OVULATING would be a minor one that would easily be reach with fertility medication.

Seeing as how we've been ttc since October 08, I met my RE in April 09 and it is now August 09 - This goal has been more elusive than I thought.

And now that I've reached it, I'm revelling in the glory more than I thought.

In a previous post, I made the comment that we hadn't even had a CHANCE to CONCEIVE. That I'd never even experience a 2ww. Now I am. And you might be tired of hearing about it, but I'm just so excited.

Realistically, I know that 'there is only a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle'. I know that there is a high probability that I will not fall pregnant this cycle.

BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.
Because for the first time since we started, I feel like we're making tangible progress and I don't feel like such a failure/fraud/INFERTILE.

Speaking of which:

THE BEST WAY TO PASS THE TWO WEEK WAIT

Adopt an adorable puppy - Meet Ceasar Augustus
He's a Maltipoo that is spunky and clingy and lovable and quite the little pooper.

We don't have plans of adopting a new puppy for each 2ww. And we didn't get him for that sole reason. During our trip to the midwest, Apollo was almost always with another dog and we realized that he was really happy having a buddy. Also, since Chris and I both work, I have a feeling that he just vegges out on the couch during the day and once we get home, he could play fetch for hours. And I don't want to spend hours throwing a ball. Caesar seems to be stimulating him during the day already, and even after only a few days Apollo is more enjoyable to come home to.

Back to the little pooper: I can not believe the number of spot baths I've had to give this guy in my bathroom sink since we got him on Thursday (3DPO). It's like he feels compelled to walk through his poo after he ... poo's. But I love him. And I desperately hope that he grows out of this defecation filled phase quickly.

I'm currently on CD 26/9DPO since I triggered on CD 17.
I'm not sure when I'll test. I don't want to test too early (READ: I'm not ready to have my hope dashed), but I also want to test before AF is due. Perhaps Thursday evening. I had planned on filming the whole 'unveiling of the test on the bathroom counter' because, on the off chance that it IS positive, I think it would be a nice to capture that moment.

Remind me to clean my sink.

I don't like my bbt graph

2009-08-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

These aren't the temps I wanted to have at this point in my cycle.
The pink line is my coverline and the thin black line shows that the overall trendline of my temps is decreasing as my cycle progresses....

Comments?

Human Guinea Pig

2009-07-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

So I called Dr. A's office on Monday to ask if I could have them call in my Clomid prescription a little earlier than usual. I explained to the nurse that I was going out of town on Friday and was expecting to start AF on Friday as well, so I'd need to have the Clomid in my hot little hands as we high tailed it out of town on our Midwest Adventure.

It took a few explanations for her to understand what I was asking.
But she finally figured out that I was in the 5dw (That's 5 day wait for you non-provera users out there) and made me promise to call the office on CD 1 to schedule my CD 14 mid cycle scan. Perfect.

She also asked if I had ever gotten around to calling this chick about a study Dr. A wanted me to try to participate in. I blushed and admitted that in the flurry of moving activities, I'd completely spaced it. So as soon as I hung up with Nurse A, I called Researcher J and left a message.

Well, this morning I got a call back from Researcher J and she filled me in on the details of the study. I'm not sure how much I can talk about it but basically it's looking at a new delivery method for gnrh as historically it has been administered via IV and injection. So the participant uses this new delivery system and takes a pill. As which most studies there is a placebo involved so, you either have:
Real gnrh, Fake Clomid
Fake gnrh, Real Clomid
Fake gnrh, Fake Clomid

Nobody gets real gnrh AND clomid... that'd be crazy! :)

She's going to check to see if my cycle history fits within the study's parameters.
And if I'm able to participate and do not conceive, then they'll give me a free month of Clomid.

Interesting.

She's going to email me the consent forms and additional information for Chris and I to talk about while on the road.

I think it'd be pretty easy to tell if you had double placebos. But I'm not sure about the symptom difference between Clomid and gnrh.

Whatever, I just want to get pregnant.... :)

I missed my calling as a Doctor

2009-07-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

Man, I just LOVE researching medical conditions.

Part of me wishes that Chris and I weren't leaving on vacation Friday morning because I don't have time to do a video that would do the topic justice. I'm planning on doing a video all about PCOS - diagnosis, symptoms, treatment, causes and MOST OF ALL: similar conditions that doctors mistake for PCOS.

I've compiled a bunch of studies that I'll organize somewhere between Oregon and South Dakota or between Minnesota and Montana... that's a boring stretch of highway...

ANYWAY, Although we're pretty much unpacked, there are some rooms that need lots of help. Mainly Chris' ManCave/Home Office and my Craft Room/Video Room (because it has a sliding glass door and great natural lighting!!)

So in the meantime, I keep trying to find a place to record my videos but have been pretty busy getting ready for this trip - 11 days, 4000 miles:

1 man, 1 woman, (hopefully) 1 aunt flow, 1 puppy dog,

2 seasons of Arrested Developement for the new portable DVD player,
2 nights camping at Yellowstone - hiking optional,
2 sister in law, 2 trips to Grandma's house,

3 pit stops on the way to our destination, 3 new CD's

4 nights at my in-laws

5 days of Clomid while visiting family
5am departure time on Friday morning

6 hours of driving before we even get out of the State

7 more hours of driving before we get to Yellowstone

8 hours of driving between 1 sister to the other

9 cups of Smart Food popcorn to snack on while driving

10 Year Reunion.

And that's just the ride out there.

Because the wardrobe needed for this trip ranges from comfy pants to camping gear to a cocktail dress for the reunion, packing is a headache. Since I'll also be in the first half of my cycle I need to bring everything to both deal with AF and to chart and monitor my cycle. And Apollo has a lot of stuff as well.

And I haven't even started packing. Just making list after list.

Thursday night is going to be CRAZY.

HOWEVER, Chris bought this fancy ipod touch from a guy at work for about 50% of the price brand new (apparently he really needed some money....) So if we can find wifi, then I'll be watching videos and tweeting from the road. So FOLLOW ME already!

Bubblelush on Twitter

I know I'm going through a bit of a distant phase,
but I do love you all and hope everything settles down soon!!

Big Follicles and Babydust!
~Carla

Clomid Cycle Recap

2009-07-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

I wish that I could go back in time 7 months and slap myself upside the head.

When you first start reading about infertility treatments, books and websites forcefeed you that 'fact' that Clomid is the first line of treatment and that it works 75,80,85,90% of the time.

I remember wanting to be informed before I started treatments and so I read everything, followed tons of blogs detailing IUIs, IVF and Adoption paths. I remember thinking that I'd never be in their footsteps because Clomid would work for me.

Although I've spent so much of my life in the minority,
THIS TIME I'd be in the majority.

Clomid would work.
Don't be scared, Don't think negetively.
Clomid WILL work.

But so far it hasn't.

100mg did succeed in making me bitch out my mother, slink away from friends and spend my evenings in dark rooms with a pounding migraine.

What it did not succeed in doing is wooing my ovaries into producing a viable follicle.

I watch videos of girls each month that are about ready to tear their hair out during the 2ww. I see how sad they are when the pregnancy test comes up negative.

However, I consider them lucky.

They're lucky to have a two week wait because that means that they ovulated.
They had a chance to get pregnant that cycle.

I haven't even had a CHANCE.
Not ONE chance. I feel like I'm an infant just struggling to stand - let alone walk, run, climb stairs.

It makes me want to scream that I've been monitoring my cycles and peeing on sticks since October and haven't even OVULATED.

Frankly. I'm annoyed.
It feels like I've done all this and am no closer than I was when I started.

But really I am so scared that the Clomid won't work. This next cycle at 150mg is my last chance before we move to the big guns.

I hate feeling like a failure.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dr. Phil is currently follwoing a pregnant 15/16 year old girl that is just SUCH an imbacile.

Usually Chris is very even keeled where his feelings are concerned and he constantly plays Devil's advocate.

But last night I was listening to Dr. Phil while we were in the kitchen preparing our lunches for today and Chris says,

"I can't take it. I can't listen to her anymore."

"Why?"

"Because it's just not fair.
We're stable, mature adults and we can't have the baby that we want,
and this girl, this idiot, gets knocked up.
I just can't listen to it anymore."

So I turned it off. But, to be honest, his outburst made me smile.

Usually he plays it off, doesn't let anything get to him.

And it made me feel better to know that he's just as upset about this as I am.

It made me happy to know that he thinks its unfair as well.

I know they say Misery loves company, and maybe that's what this is, but I'm just glad that I'm not in this alone.

He's a great husband and I know we'll be just fine regardless of what hoops we have to jump through.

5 Waiting Wombs - Expanded Answer - Telling an Infertile Friend that you're Expecting

2009-07-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

June 14th Video – How to tell an infertile friend that you’re expecting:

First off, congratulations Lisa! You’re obviously a great friend judging by the concern and love that you’re showing towards your friend. I’m sure that in time she’ll recognize the compassion you’ve shown her and be happy for you.
But first you’ve got to break the news. I hope my suggestions and experiences can help you figure out a way that will work best for the both of you.

It depends on your relationship with the person, but the majority of the time, I think the best way to handle this situation is through a heartfelt letter. Nowadays we email everything, it’s used for casual conversations and isn’t the best forum to tell someone this kind of news. You want the person to know that what you’re telling them is important and nowadays taking the time to send a letter in the mail shows more effort on your part. Also, by having them physically open an envelope to read your letter instead of be faced with this news at the click of a button, you’re less likely to catch them unaware. This way, in the future, they’ll know that phone calls and emails from you are assumed to be a ‘baby news’ free zone, unless she says otherwise.

Personal Experience:
One Saturday shortly after my first TTC Dr. Appt, I received a letter in the mail from my Dr’s office. In the letter they gave me the results from my tests and gave me the diagnosis of PCOS.
Although I was the one that had gone to her with fears that I might have this condition, I was heartbroken to see it confirmed in black and white.

Moments later the phone rang. Chris answered it and began talking to his little sister. I remember it like it was yesterday – I was standing in the living room behind the couch, letter in hand, and Chris was in the entry way. He waved me over as he pushed the button to turn on speaker phone. Before the words even came out of her mouth, I knew what she was going to say and felt physically ill.

“Mike and I are pregnant!”

I squeaked out a quick congratulations in chorus with Chris and quickly excused myself to the bedroom. I couldn’t believe how hard I cried. I’d had many friends tell us they were expecting, but each time I was at a different stage in my life – when the McDs told us, Chris and I were considering a cross country move. When M&B told us, Chris and I were at Kinko’s photocopying a newsletter to my bridesmaids. When the Arcs told us, Chris and I were finalizing the seating arrangement for our reception. I was busy with my own life and truly happy for them.

But this was very different. I was ready to be a mom. Chris and I had been trying for 5 months and had just gotten devastating news that our journey was going to be much harder than we had expected. She wanted us to be happy for them and I just couldn’t. I was too sad for myself. I was grieving. To borrow a phrase from a friend – I was as Sad as She was Happy.

When you’re telling her your wonderful news, express that you know how long she’s been trying to conceive. Tell her that you know it might be hard for her to be happy for you and – most importantly - that you understand.
Let her know that you’d love to talk with her whenever she’s comfortable.

Do not be condescending. Reread what you’re writing over and over and look at it from her perspective – do not belittle her experience in any way.

We all read things through a different filter, and this is an important instance to be mindful that she could easily take something the wrong way.

After your parents, you should tell any infertile friends next. They’ll need time to process the news. Don’t let them hear the news through the grapevine or wait until you’re baby bump is impossible to miss. If you’re planning to tell family or friends at a gather that your infertile friends will be at, give them a heads up so they can decide whether or not to attend.

Trust that your friend will come back to you, she just needs time to feel comfortable with the idea that you are pregnant.

Some uninformed people think that allowing your infertile friends to act like this is rediculous. Although I think that some take it too far and engage in a pity party that is unhealthy, it is natural to initally have feelings of jealousy and sadness. As a woman facing fertility issues, I know that women like me must actively process our feelings and understand that we're not mad at you for being pregnant, we're sad that we aren't pregnant right along side you.

It actually has nothing to do with you.
It's the fact that we're being faced with our own shortcomings.

It’s been months now since my sister in law announced her pregnancy, and while she hasn’t directly updated us since (I think my mother in law explained our situation to her – thankfully) It seems that I keep getting updates at inopportune times. As I’ve mentioned before - I found out it was a girl the day I discovered our soy cycle failed and I saw the baby bump the day after an ultrasound showed that my 100mg Clomid cycle dismally failed.

If I’ve learned anything from this journey it’s that we are all in different places.

The happiest day for one person is the saddest for another.

Recognize that people WANT to be happy for you; it just takes time to figure out how to be simultaneously happy for you and sad for themselves. It’s a fine balance. I want to know all about J’s pregnancy – I want to be excited to watch her belly grow.
And while deep down I’m ecstatic for her, I’m also jealous, angry, disappointed, hopeful, worried … and most of all – Scared.

Scared that I won’t be as happy as her for a long, long, time.

6 Week Makeover

2009-06-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm back on the 6 week makeover plan. I followed it 4 years ago when graduating college and starting my first cubicle job led to a 25 lb weight gain. I like it because its small meals throughout the day so I'm always eating, just smaller portions. I also like that since the meals are all measured, it encourages you to prep the majority of your meals one day a week which makes it so easy - you just grab your food for the day and you're on your way. We usually cook dinner each night, but breakfast and lunch are prepped a head of time.

I'm Body Type B - As a Body Type B, your body builds and maintains lean muscle easily, which is good because muscle burns fat. Unfortunately, your metabolism is significantly slower than many of the other body types and that causes you to gain weight. The rate of your metabolism is the primary consideration in how your body gains or loses weight. The good news is: As a Type B, since you have plenty of muscle tissue to help you burn fat fast, once you use your custom eating plan to speed up your overall metabolic rate, you should see results extremely fast and have little trouble keeping the weight off after the program is done.

So for example - I eat some fruit (like 1/4 of a canteloupe or 1/2 C of strawberries, peach or berries) and 3 egg yolks for breakfast at 6am. Then at 9:30 I eat the same thing again. At lunch I have about 3 oz of grilled chicken breast, 1/2 C of carbs (sweet potato, gnocchi, quinoa or rice) and 1-2 cups of veggies (usually a salad). At 2:30 I each more chicken and carbs, then at dinner I each meat (fish, chicken or beef), carb and a big salad. Then for dessert I can have fruit again.

I refer to this as a very simple way of eating. Not because follwing the plan is 'simple' but because the foods are so simplistic - no prepackaged food, no sweets, no dairy. Just grilled lean protein, complex carbs (no bread) and fruits and veggies. And lots of water.

They tell you to aim for 100 oz a day. I've managed 75 the first two days and am off to a horrible start today, but like I said, I'm tired and I need coffee. And I cannot drink coffee black so I added a splash of creamer. I am not perfect on plan, but my goal isn't to stick to the program perfectly, it's to lose weight, and in order to do that, I need to stick to this for awhile and I know I'll quit if I deny myself everything and go on plan cold turkey.

We'll see how it works...

If anyone is interested in the program, feel free to complete the free blueprint here. Tell me what your result is and I'll help you with your meal plan.

Avoidance

2009-06-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

I NEED to make a youtube video. Actually, I need to make multiple videos - I need to update my channel with the outcome of my ultrasound and I need to make a 5ww video about telling an infertile friend that you're expecting.

And I just can't bring myself to.

The one time I posted a video where I was a little bit sad, all my comments were about how 'unlike myself' I was and how I'm usually so 'happy and upbeat'. and I just can't be upbeat right now.

And the last thing I want to do is feel bad for feeling sad.
or to apologize for not being chipper.

I'm just tired.

I need to unpack my house. Having boxes everywhere just seems like such an insurmountable task when you only have a few hours each night after work. Chris is working nights right now so I'm home alone every day and it's strangely depressing.

I need to make a tutu. I bough all the tulle and ribbon to make the world's cutest tutu for the world's cutest little girl.

Our friends - the McD's - just celebrated their daughter's second birthday and my gift is very belated. But I can't find my scissors to cut this darn tulle because they're packed away in some box and I keep forgetting ot grab mine from work.

I need to finish sorting out my wardrobe into the following categories:
-Too Fat to Fit Into aka Pre TTC aka Birth Control Skinny Clothes
yes, I'm actually skinny when on birth control as all my hormones are in check

-Big Enough to Cover My Butt aka Post TTC Clothes aka Could pass as maternity clothes (Does anyone else do the tummy-pooch/fake preggo tummy test in the dressing room to see what it would look like on with a baby bump?
Anyone? ...yeah, didn't think so. And the final category:

-No Way In Hell I'll Ever Fit into Again aka Goodwill Donation aka size 14 and smaller. If I ever DO just that skinny again, I will reward myself with a new wardrobe whatever the cost.

I need to lose weight. I got my weight down to a very manageable number back in September when we decided to go off birth control and start trying to conceive.

Honeymoon - Size 16 and felt great

Since then I've gained about 40 pounds. Awful. I'll go into this in my next post.

I need to talk to my parents about father's day plans. I sent my mom, aunt and mother-in-law an email on Tuesday letting them know the results from the scan and asking for a little space because I really didn't want to have to talk about it. But I need to call her to make plans for this weekend and I'm just hoping she doesn't ask about it. Its like a little hand grenade that she throws whenever she asks and it just ruins my day having to get into it when I don't feel like it. I want the discussion to be on my terms and she just never allows for that. And then I get pissy and don't call her, and then I do talk to her and she wants and update. Vicious circle.

I'm looking at the timing of our Minnesota roadtrip for Chris' 10 year reunion and it couldn't come at a worse time.

Depending on when I start my cycle I could either need to be taking Clomid (150mg) when I see his pregnant sister, or I could be withdrawling from Clomid at the beginning of our trip and then need to go in for a scan towards the end. I've created a calendar with various options - Which do you think is best?

Click to view full sized

Obviously I'm concerned about being around my in-laws when I'm on Clomid given my temperament. I'm even more concerned being on Clomid while around Chris' pregnant sister. This week she posted belly bump photos on her facebook. It was the first time I'd seen her pregnant and it hit me like a punch to the gut.

Doesn't she look great? - 27 weeks

She hasn't done anything wrong. I'm actually really happy for her, but I keep getting these updates at the worst possible times:

I found out she was pregnant an hour after getting my PCOS diagnosis,

I found out it was a girl the day I discovered soy didn't make me ovulate and

I saw the baby bump the day after my 100mg ultrasound and grim evaluation.

I don't want her to have to walk on eggshells around me. I want to know what is going on with her, but it just makes me so sad for myself. I feel horrible that I'm reacting like this... I know many infertile ladies have the same reaction...

But it must be hard for her to understand why I'm not more excited for her.

Ugh.

I'm just sad.

Ultrasound

2009-06-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

So Chris was able to come to my mid cycle scan with me. He's never been in the room during an ultrasound so it was an interesting experience for him. The doctor that I met with was not my normal doctor, and his bedside manner left something to be desired. He found a few immature follicles on one side and nothing on the other.
So 100 mg of Clomid isn't going to cut it.

Apparently I'm going to try 150mg during my next cycle.
It almost makes me cry just thinking about it.

A few month ago when I was waiting for my RE appt and had yet to experience Clomid, I would read girl's blogs as they lamented about how awful Clomid was. I thought that they were just over exaggerating. Unfortunately they were.

Clomid is pretty awful. I take it CD 3-7 and usually have a horrible migraine CD 8. Then CD 6-12 I am in a horrible mood. Like a light switch, I get so pissed off that I can't stand talking to my mom, and sometimes Chris just says the wrong thing.
As someone that likes to be in control, its hard to have such wild mood changes and not really be able to control it.

Just the though of upping my dose (to the max dose, no less) is such a disappointing proposition and I'm concerned about our options if Clomid doesn't work....

April Rose

2009-06-12T11:57:00.001-07:00

When Harper was admitted to the NICU there was a huge outcry of support from the blog community. It was then that I began reading Kelly's Korner Blog to follow little Harper's amazing story. Now that little H is all better and growing into a beautifully accessorized little girl, Kelly has used her 'power' to shine a light on other families with sick babies. One of these blogs was was story of April Rose and her mom B. April was the unborn baby that had been given a very bad diagnosis of Trisomy13, a nearly always fatal condition, among other things. Her mother refused her doctor's suggestion that she abort the fetus named April Rose and thus began a blog full of pro-life and Christion support.

Although I am staunchly pro-choice, I deep sympathize with this woman's situation and admired the strength of her faith. Although I didn't make a habit of reading her near daily blog posts, I did check in from time to time. She was selling these heather gray tshirts with abeautiful red rose silkscreened on the front, and suggested that people donate to a pregnancy alternative center. She even opened and PO BOx and posted the address so that followers could send gifts and letters to her.

She had many influencial bloggers direct their readers to the story of her plight and tugged on every reader's heartstrings.

And after months of turmoil, April was born on Monday evening - alive. There were minute by minute updates from the home birth and then they posted a picture of the <5 lb baby looking blissfully asleep with chubbier cheeks than I expected.

Then it happened.

Someone recognized the baby as a reborn. Those plastic dolls that women handpaint to resemble real babies. And then it all came out - the whole thing was a lie.

The Chicago Tribune printed a very sympathetic story about how the whole things suddenly got out of control and how one lie led to another as she continued to get more and more of the attention that she craved. I call bullshit.

She actively pursued viewers and endorsements. She actively involved innocent friends to unknowingly partake in the deception and, the most offensive to me, she asked for prayers for a sick baby that didn't exist. I can't believe that she would call herself a Christian and then do such a horrible thing in the same breath.

She's the one that needs the prayers because she is a very disturbed person, but I think the article lets her off too easy. She lied and manipulated for months. I am so disgusted.

If you're unfamiliar with the story, you can learn all about it by googling little April Rose or by clicking here.

The Cost of Infertility

2009-06-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to say that although having a baby will increase your household expenses by one person, I'd hate to see the sudden economic downturn cause someone to hold off on growing their family - Especially if infertility is an issue as we'll never be any younger than we are today.

I keep meaning to upload my spreadsheet but things have been hectic and I keep forgetting to email myself the file from ym home computer. Check back for a screen shot of my infertility expenses thus far.

The Changing of the Guard Cycle.

2009-06-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

Cycle 5 came in like a lion and left 40 days later like a disgraced lamb banished from the barn by a good dose of provera. :) RIP Cycle 5 - April 23 - June 1st.

That'll teach him for not responding to 50mg of Clomid and failing to ovulate.

So today is cycle day 3. THREE! Perhaps my favorite day of the month.
"Why?" you ask - Well, its the day after CD2, historically my heaviest flow day, so I appreciate the calm after the storm.
But more importantly - I start 100mg of Clomid today.

Yes, CD3 is full of hope and excitement and there is no room for negative thoughts or fretting about 'what ifs'. Today I will adjust my mind frame so that I'm only focusing on the wonderful things that ~~could~~ will happen.

I'm pretty pragmatic, so I'm going to try whole heartedly to take a hopeful approach to this cycle. In the past I've been very cautiously optimistic, but I feel like I need to feel the pregnancy vibes from the tip of my head down to my freshly polished toe. Or at least I'll make my best effort to.

Yesterday I went to Target after work to pick up the Clomid prescription that my clinic called in for me. I had a coupon for a $20 gift card with a new prescription so I started my new positive pregnancy outlook with style:
I used the gift card to buy a magazine - FitPregnancy,
a cute ponytail holder - to hold my hair back bouts of during morning sickness,
and two cute bump minimizing shirts - on clearance for less than $5 apiece.
And I still had a few bucks left- I'll spend it on chocolate/ice cream cravings. :)

CD7, June 8th, the day I take the last dose of Clomid, is my 26th birthday and my parent's 28th anniversary. I was hoping that I'd already be pregnant and could tell them that they were going to be grandparents over a nice dinner.

I guess that announcement will be postponed.
But hopefully my birthday wish will come true.

Here's hoping this cycle works!
I never ask for it, but please keep my in your thoughts
and throw a little Babydust my way... pretty please?

Week of May 24-31: 5WaitingWombs Expanded Answer

2009-05-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

As a member of the 5 Waiting Wombs collaboration channel on Youtube.com, I make a weekly video responding to viewer questions.

This week's questions came from Mandy

If you have spotting does that mean you are not pregnant?

What does HCG stand for?

What are some of the best sexual positions to use for TTC?

Should you BD (baby dance) everyday or every other day?

True Implant Spotting or Bleeding is caused by the embryo burrowing into the endometrial lining to gain access to the nutrients and oxygen in the mother's circulating blood. When little finger-like structures called Chorionic Villi (which later form the placenta) push through the endometrial lining, the displaced lining presents as spotting.

Usually the implantation bleeding is pink or brown and can appear for up to 2-4 days - Or it could be so light that you don't even notice it.

hCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin. hCG is released by the embryo shortly after conception. Later in the pregnancy hCG is secreted by a part of the placenta called the syncytiotrophoblast. The main role of hCG is to signal to the corpus luteum that a pregnancy was acheived and that it needs to continue producing progesterone.

Progesterone enriches the uterus with a thick lining of blood vessels and capillaries so that it can sustain the growing fetus.

Due to hCG's highly-negative charge it is thought to repel the immune cells of the mother. This protects the fetus during the first trimester.
It has also been suggested that hCG levels are linked to the severity of morning sickness in pregnant women.

The best sexual positions for conceiving are usually thought to be missionary and rear entry, for different reasons. The missionary position allows the woman to remain in a horizontal position after sex, helping to form a seminal pool at the entrance of the cervix. This minimizes semen loss and maximizes contact with the cervix. This position tends to favor Girls. Another way to favor a female baby is to avoid orgasm - this keeps the vaginal environment acidic which kills of male sperm.

Rear entry or other deep penetrating positions deposits sperm just about the neck of the cervix and thus favors male offspring. Achieving orgasm during conception creates an alkyline environment which favors male sperm.

You should time intercourse to start when your CM changes to creamy and continue until and during EWCM. Having sex every day (I'm sure your partner won't mind) will ensure that the living sperm will be available to fertilize the egg when the cervix opens.

To learn more about timing intercourse to preference a gender, see my video: TTC #13 Book Selections and Gender Selection.

If there is an issue of Male Factor Fertility (low sperm count, motility or morphology) then you should decrease sex to every other day. Once you become familiar with how many days of creamy CM you experience leading up to ovulation, you will be able to maximize your chance of timing while working with (not against) your Male Factor Infertility.

If you have 5 days of creamy CM before ovulating, have sex on 2nd day that you notice creamy CM, then again on the 4th and again on the 6th/ovulation day.

If you have 4 days of creamy CM before ovulating, have sex on the 1st, 3rd and 5th/ovulation day. So on and so forth.

Hindsight is 20/20 and this schedule should be flexible as cycles can differ from one to the next. The most important thing to realize is that sperm can live for more than a day inside the woman and that this is merely a method of maximizing your chances of conceiving.

Healthy Eating - Fruit&Honey Cereal Bars

2009-05-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

Although my husband and I adore organic foods, we always have a pantry stocked with pre-packaged granola bars. My healthy eating outlook has been to substitute lower calorie and lower fat alternatives for things I enjoy eating. For example - instead of full fat ice cream, I choose sugar free popsicles and the occasional fudge-sicle.

Here is a recipe for a Homemade Granola Bar that is so simple, it's shocking. They are super yummy and moist. I'll definitely make these again and again with different fruit combinations.

Fruit-Honey Cereal Bars
Peanut butter, dried apples and sunflower nuts pack energy into delicious ready-to-go bars.

Prep Time:20 min Start to Finish: 90 min Makes:16 bars

3C Fiber One® Honey Clusters® cereal - OR -
a honey crunch granola cereal from a bulk bin
1/4 C roasted sunflower nuts
1/2 C corn syrup or honey
1/4 C packed brown sugar
1 C dried fruit, coarse chop
1/2 t ground cinnamon
1/2 C peanut butter

Butter bottom and sides of 8-inch square pan, or spray with cooking spray.

1. Choose your Fruit. Apples, Apricots, Cranberries, Raisins. Choose which ever you'd like. For the recipe pictured, I used dried cranberries and apricots that I had in the pantry. Chop into tiny pieces until you have 1 Cup.

2. Crush cereal. Either place cereal in resealable food-storage plastic bag, seal bag and slightly crush - OR - Put cereal in medium bowl and crush with a butter cutter.

3. In large bowl, mix cereal and sunflower nuts; set aside.

4. In 3-quart saucepan, mix corn syrup, brown sugar, and cinnamon. Add chopped fruit and heat just to boiling over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally.

5. Remove from heat; stir in peanut butter.

6. Pour over cereal mixture; stir gently until evenly coated.

7. Press mixture evenly into pan. I covered the mixture with plastic wrap and pressed the mixture into a smooth layer with my fingers.

8. Refrigerate about 1 hour or until set. For bars, cut into 8 rows by 2 rows.
Store covered at room temperature.

The Kitchen Damage:

1 Medium Bowl
1 Small Saucepan
1 C Measuring Cup
1/4 C Measuring Cup
1/4 t Measuring Spoon
1 Butter knife to mix things
Cutting Board
Sharp Knife
Butter Cutter to crunch the cereal
also - 8x8 Baking Dish

Procrastination

2009-05-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

So if you remember back on a previous post - Fake Faint Lines - The nurse at my fertility clinic had left this strange message after my mid cycles scan -

"I had a chance to review your chart with Dr. A
and her plan is for you to increase your Clomid with the next cycle,
but she still wants you to, uh, If you didn't have a period
within two weeks from now, to give us a call and
I think she might start you with a birth control pill."

I never called for clarification. During our consultation appointment with Dr. A she gave me a prescription for 3 months of Provera and 3 months of Clomid. To me, this would mean that I could use the Provera between cycles if I didn't start naturally, so I was a little thrown off balance at the mentioning of using birth control.

I know that the 50mg of Clomid did some nasty things to my ovaries - trust me I know - I felt the pain of them being enlarged. But I really didn't want to do a birth control cycle to 'take a break' so soon. Hopefully the nurse was having a blonde moment - she's Hispanic so I doubt it - and meant to say Provera.

Either way, I'm now on CD 29, Aunt Flow is nowhere to be seen and it's the Friday before a holiday weekend. And I have no intention of calling.

Even though I know I should.
Any suggestions from my Beauties?

Week of May 17-23: 5WaitingWombs Expanded Answer

2009-05-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

As a member of the 5 Waiting Wombs collaboration channel on Youtube.com, I make a weekly video responding to viewer questions.

This week's questions came from Mindy

What is the best method to figure out when you ovulate?
What are the key signs to look for to know that you are fertile?

How do you know the best times to have sex?
How often should you have sex?

What if there is a male factor problem?

When you begin Trying to Conceive (TTC) you should start monitoring your THREE FERTILITY SIGNS:
1~ Your Waking or Basal Body Temperature (bbt)
2~ Cervical Mucus/Fluid
3~ Cervical Position

Your Basal Body Temperature should be taken first thing each morning - before you stand, smoke, talk drink, anything but push the snooze button - after at least three consecutive hours of sleep. BBTs can be taken vaginally or orally, but the chosen method should be used exclusively each cycle as vaginal temperatures tend to be slightly higher. Digital Basal Body thermometers are widely available at drug stores and Target. Although they look similar to the digital thermometer in your first aid kit, they are more precise - measuring your temperature to the hundredth of a degree instead of just to a tenth. 97.05*F vs 97.1*F. This extra precision will make it easier to distinguish a pattern over the course of your cycle.

Take your bbt at the same time each day. If you sleep in still take your temperature but note on your chart the time. For every 30 minutes you sleep in your temperature will raise approximately 0.1*F.

Temperatures during the follicular phase of your cycle (pre-ovulatory or from CD 1 to the day you ovulate) bbts will range from 97.0 to 97.5 on average. During this phase Estrogen is the predominant hormone. Right before you ovulate your temperature will dip. When you ovulate, the egg rupturing from your ovary leaves a 'hole' called a corpus luteum which secretes Progesterone to thicken your lining. The increased levels of progesterone causes your temperatures to rise.

Sidenote - Doctors prescribe Provera to induce a period because the Provera replicates the rise in progesterone after you ovulate. When you finish taking the pills and your progesterone levels starts to lower you are triggered to start a period because there is not implanted follicle secreting HCG that would prevent a period.

Knowing all this, your BBT is a precise way of monitoring your fertility. It can tell you when you are ovulating or provide useful date in diagnosis an anovulatory disorder such as PCOS.
Your chart will show you that you are ovulating in the 12- 24 hour fertile window between the temperature DIP and RISE .

Cervical Mucus (CM) and Cervical Position can be monitored simultaneously each day.
Disclosure - I do not actively monitor my CM or Position, but I do note obvious fertile CM in my chart.

At the beginning of your cycle, during the Follicular phase as we learned earlier, your CM will be dry and your cervix will be low, closed and firm. It will feel like touching the tip of your nose and feel like the inside of your cheek. As you near ovulation, your CM will begin to get creamy.

When you ovulate your cervix will change dramatically - it will retract higher and feel open soft and wet, like touching your lips. This is due to the effect that estrogen has on the ligaments holding the cervix in place. Your CM will become very fertile and hospitable to sperm. It will be the consistency of uncooked egg white and often will be able to stretch 4 or more inches between your fingers. Trust me - once you're on the look out for it - you will notice EWCM and get very excited. The first time I noticed EWCM I gave it a standing ovation. Thankfully I was at home, otherwise the other women would be wondering why I was clapping in the bathroom stall.

You should time intercourse to start when your CM changes to creamy and continue until and during EWCM. Having sex every day (I'm sure your partner won't mind) will ensure that the living sperm will be available to fertilize the egg when the cervix opens.

To learn more about timing intercourse to preference a gender, see my video: TTC #13 Book Selections and Gender Selection.

If there is an issue of Male Factor Fertility (low sperm count, motility or morphology) then you should decrease sex to every other day. Once you become familiar with how many days of creamy CM you experience leading up to ovulation, you will be able to maximize your chance of timing while working with (not against) your Male Factor Infertility.

If you have 5 days of creamy CM before ovulating, have sex on 2nd day that you notice creamy CM, then again on the 4th and again on the 6th/ovulation day.

If you have 4 days of creamy CM before ovulating, have sex on the 1st, 3rd and 5th/ovulation day. So on and so forth.

Hindsight is 20/20 and this schedule should be flexible as cycles can differ from one to the next. The most important thing to realize is that sperm can live for more than a day inside the woman and that this is merely a method of maximizing your chances of conceiving.

Please try not to get too discouraged if you do not conceive on the first cycle. Even couples with not adverse fertility issues only have a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle. Creating life is a fairly lofty goal. Make smaller, more attainable, goals for yourself - if you have PCOS focus on ovulating. If you have male factor issues, focus on creating a schedule like the one above. And, for the sake of your relationship, focus on having sex outside of your fertile window as well. Don't let sex become ALL about procreating.

Empire Waistlines are the enemy of the TTC Crowd

2009-05-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

When you are actively trying to conceive, you become sensitized to all things pregnancy related. When you're faced with infertility, this sensitivity is even more heightened.

I went shopping this weekend and purchased two tops - elbow length sleeved blouses suitable to wear to the office during the warmer weather. They were longer in length as I'm tall - 6' - and choose shirts that proportionally fit my longer torso.

Tuesday morning I got dressed for work and decided to wear one of the new tops. I put on my makeup, do my hair, get dressed, fix lunch and just as I'm on the way out the door I pop into the main bathroom to take a once over in the mirror before I leave for work.

When, to.my.horror., I realize that the top looks like a maternity shirt on me.

OMG.

I take a quick look at the clock, calculate the time it takes to drive to work and realize that I'm already running late and don't have time to change. So that's it - I'm stuck being a non-pregnant chick wearing what looks like a maternity shirt in an office that is totally anti-baby. I brace myself for the questions and all day long I check to see if people's eyes are lingering too long on my midsection. They don't, but that doesn't stop me from smoothing out the shirt and sucking in my tummy that much more each time I leave my cubicle.

I've already decided to move that shirt to the back of my closet after its laundered. I really like it - its a pretty blue with great details on the front - and hope that I'll be able to wear it soon, as a pregnant chick that welcomes the question 'are you expecting?' so I can valiently reply 'why yes, yes I am!'

~Carla

Eating Green

2009-05-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Going green is a huge movement right now and few areas of our life are safe from its grasp. Eating Green is one of my favorite.

Organically grown food free of artificial preservative, flavors, colors and hormones fill my pantry and fridge. They're right next to my sugary cereal, frozen burritos and snack packs in the fridge.

I'm not perfect.

Water

2009-05-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

I do not drink nearly enough water.

I have sensitive taste buds and think most city water tastes contaminated.
Yes, chock it up to one of my many weird tendencies. I'm like the little girl in the movie Signs.

There are a few ways I've started to overcome this. I reward myself - every time I drink 20oz of water, I allow myself 20oz of Crystal Light, which tastes 100% better than plain water.

I drink from a cute cup, perhaps use a straw.

You must be thinking "Really? Water? Less than 10 posts and already this blog is taking a turn for the boring."

Bare with me.

I get up very early - 5am - which is usually too early to eat a full breakfast.
Incidentally I end up snacking on my breakfast at my desk all morning long.
Many times I have finished by 10am and am still starving. And first I think:
"Why is my tummy loudly growling? I've consumed at least 400 calories or varied carbs, protein and fruit." and then I realize that I didn't drink anything with my meal. Maybe that's not the reason and I'm just a freak, but I'm going to continue blaming the lack of liquids.

My office has a water cooler. Best Thing Ever. On the downside, I brought my cute cup and straw home this weekend and forgot it in the dishrack this morning so I'll have to use the tiny wax cups today. It makes me feel like such a hypocrite using the disposable cups at an environmental company. But I'll suck it up because today I'm introducing you to one of my longstanding goals. My mantra, if you will.

My #1 Weight Loss Rule:
Don't Drink Your Calories

There are few beverages that are worth their calories. Juice and Soda are full of sugars and calories. Nothing against OJ, but I'd prefer just eating an orange.

Starbucks caramel frappuccinos are delicious (270 calories, 3.5g fat for a medium Grande), but I'm too much of a cheap skate to order them with an regularity and I'm not a big coffee person - I don't want to stunt my growth. Joke. I'm 6' tall. I just hate the taste of plain coffee... unless it's masked with lots of cream and sugar. Refer to Rule #1.

PCOS has a symptom of insulin resistance.
I have not yet accepted the truth that eating a diabetic diet would probably decrease not only my weight, but my PCOS symptoms because the two work in tandem.
I do realize however, that artificial sweeteners are not the best for me.
Thus my goal to drink more water.

And eventually cut out the refined carbs.
But I'll save that for another post.

2 Week Wait

2009-05-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Usually the two week wait is the dreaded part of your cycle.
You spend the first two weeks taking your temperature, taking your fertility medicine at exact 24 hour intervals, drinking Robitussin every 4 hours (including in the middle of the night) to improve CM, peeing on sticks on a near daily basis... There are numerous things to help pass the time.

But after you ovulate, or fail to ovulate, there is nothing but waiting for enough days to pass so that you can take a test or start a new cycle. The term '2 week wait' assumes that you have a perfect 28 day cycle. Some of my 2 week waits have stretched out for 6 weeks or longer. One of the many joys of PCOS.

It's cycle day 20 - 6 days into the 2ww.
I still take my temperature each morning, and in a week or so I can take a pregnancy test that I already know will be negative... much like the tone of this post.

So I'm going to change that.

What were the positive thing that came from this cycle?

Knowledge - 50mg of Clomid does nothing but enlarge my ovaries with immature follicles and that a higher dose will be needed. Finding what works for you is trial and error. Although this trial was unsuccessful, we can use the results to improve the next cycle.

Reassurance - I can do this. The Clomid isn't that big of a deal- I can take it with minimal side effects. The Clinic is supportive and responds to my calls and questions, and I'm able to take a couple hours off work for a scan if necessary. I can balance all of this.

Support - There are a lot of people pulling for me. And there encouragement helps tremendously.

So instead of sitting around and looking at this attempt as a failure, as so many of us do, try to see the positives. Sometimes it seems so dismal - another month gone. I'm now looking at a due date of February 2010 - at the earliest - and that seems like an eternity from now.

But use this extra time wisely.
If you're overweight, rededicate yourself to healthy living. Set small goals for yourself, such as going to the gym 3 times a week. Even if its just walking in the doors and immediately leaving. Baby steps. It's not as intimidating as you think.

If you need to go to the dentist or doctor, do it now. Don't wait until after you've conceived as many medications are not safe to take while pregnant and there is an established connection between poor dental health and premature deliveries.

If you're still smoking, drinking or taking prescriptions for a medical condition, use these two weeks to get your body as healthy as possible.

Our goals are all the same - to have beautiful healthy babies.
There are many things that we don't have control over, but by being as healthy as possible when you conceive and throughout your pregnancy you ensure that you've done all that you can to give your child a great start in life.

FurrBabies

2009-05-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have three 'fur babies'.
A dog named Apollo - a cavalier spaniel poodle mix that is expressive and loyal and the biggest baby you've ever met.
A cat named Baronessa - a silky grey Russian Blue that I adopted in college. She is my baby and comes when she's called. She like attention but doesn't like to be held.
Another cat named Napoleon - Chris' cat adopted from a shelter as a young kitten to be a companion for Baronessa while we were at work. He is anxious about nearly everything in life - especially when the cat food runs low. He'll cry to let you know that he'll be famished in approximately 3 hours and requires more food to satisfy him. He's also overweight, tipping the scales at 15+ pounds. He loves Chris and hates me. The feeling is mutual.

All of our animals happen to share the birth month of May. Specifically the first half of May. Logically, this also mean that they share a birthday party each year.
Chris thinks it is ridiculous that we make them meatloaf and blow up ballons and get them gifts and - gasp - let Apollo eat at the table.
I think it's ridiculous too.
But it's fun.

And the pictures are cute:

His 'cake' says Happy B-day Apollo. But Chris wrote it illegibly.

Munching on one of his presents.

The cats enjoyed some fancy wet food. Napoleon was suspicious...
Later on they went crazy for a laser pointer.

You could tell Apollo knew he was breaking the rules by eating at the table. :)

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

A poem for all you mothers in waiting

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Fake Faint Lines

2009-05-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

5 Days of Provera. 4 Days of Waiting. 3 Days of Aunt Flow.

I took my first Clomid tablet at 8:30pm on April 25th - Cycle Day 3.
I also went in for an FSH and Estradiol blood draw on CD 3.
I took my last Clomid tablet at 8:30pm on April 29th - Cycle Day 7.

On Cycle Day 9 I peed on a stick.

And thus the confusion that inspired the name of this blog began.

There is a great debate amongst TTCers regarding which urine to use. The first morning because it has had all night to concentrate the hormones? The second urine because the volume is lower than the first and therefore the sample is not diluted? Or should you test in the afternoon or evening?

I followed my doctor's direction and used the second urine of the day. I made sure to test at approximately the same time each morning and to keep my fluid intake similar from day to day.

In previous cycles I had tested practically from CD 5 through CD 45, at my general practitioner's suggestion. I'd never flunked so many tests in my life. I literally have a pile of tests all with one solid control line and no second line in sight.

So on CD 9 when I dipped the stick and waited for the lines to appear I was shocked to see two lines. It was faint, but it was a second line.

At first I couldn't believe my eyes. It worked! The other line inside the square-It really could appear. I showed the test to Chris. He practically dragged me into the bedroom right then and there.

But I stopped him - "it could be a fake faint line."

Clomid can cause false positives if taken too soon after the last tablet. When taking Clomid CD 3-7 most websites suggest that you begin using opks on CD 10. Dr. A might have had me jump the gun. I decided that if the line was as dark or darker the next day, Saturday, I would call the doctor.

Saturday's line was practically non-existent.

I admit, I was a little depressed when the line didn't appear.

The rational side of me kept saying - It's too early. The follicle wouldn't be mature enough on CD 10. It needs more time to grow.

So I tested on Sunday CD 11. a sliver of a line appeared. I was encouraged.

On Monday CD 12 the line was slightly darker. We were approaching what I would consider a faint line.

On Tuesday CD 13, the goal day Dr. A had circled, the line was gone. I was getting discouraged.

The line reappeared on Wednesday CD 14... just a little bit.

I called the nurse's line and left this message:

Hi, this is Carla. I'm a patient of Dr. A.
I'm on my first cycle of Clomid and she asked me to schedule
my mid cycle scan when I had a faint line on my opks.
I consider myself a smart lady,
but I think I'm being outsmarted by a pee stick.

A few minutes later a nurse called, stifling a giggle, and asked me to explain. I told her about the indecisive faint line and she scheduled me for an ultrasound the next afternoon.

On CD 15 the line was similar to CD14. Not really lighter. Not really darker.

In my mind, I knew that this fluctuating LH level was an issue for some women with PCOS and was the reason that the expensive meters weren't recommended for us. I knew that if I was really getting ready to ovulate, the line would get progressively darker until I got a real positive test. I came to terms with the fact that 50mg of Clomid just wasn't going to be enough for me.

Before I knew it, it was 2 o'clock and I only had an hour until my appointment. As I was clearing my desk for the day I realized that I should probably use the restroom before the half hour drive to my clinic. So there I was, peeing - not on a stick for once - when it happened. I had EWCM.

For those still trying to grasp the secret language of the infertile, EWCM stands for Egg White Cervical Mucus. It is the holy grail of TTCers. And there it was, like a giant sign from God that everything was going to be okay.

So I drove to the clinic, confident that everything would be fine and that, like a proud momma, I'd get to see my big follicles ready to leave the nest. Instead he found 35 immature follicles between the two ovaries. 19 on my Right side and 16 on my Left.

I tried not to look to depressed. I was prepared for this! I had convinced myself just 2 hours earlier that this cycle was a wash - but the EWCM got me so full of hope that it was hard not to feel just a little dashed.

Today I got a voicemail from the nurse:

What!?

Chock-Full

2009-05-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

As we were sitting in the car driving to his appointment I tried to keep the atmosphere light and asked Chris if he'd drank plenty of water that day.

He laughed and told me that he chugged some juice before he left.

I told him I wore the low cut top for him just in case he... needed a hand.

"I know what I'm doing - I've been practicing for today since I was 12."

A week later we got the results - 135 million sperm per milliliter.
That's 135 million sperm crammed into an area the size of this cube:

My husband is a rock star. A rockstar chock-full of sperm.

"Fertility Specialist" = Reproductive Endocrinologist

2009-05-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

You pick up little bits of trivia like this when you're inducted into the infertile club.

I remember when I made my first phone call to the fertility clinic. I wrote the number down on a post-it pad and stuck it to the front of my fertility binder. I snuck out of work just after lunch, sat in my car and prayed that the person that answered the phone was friendly. She was.

I clumsily stated that I was a new patient and was hoping to schedule an appointment with Dr. A, if she was accepting new patients, because she specialized in PCOS. She wrote my name under her first available consultation time - April 6th. It wasn't until I got back to my cubicle that I realized that I would have to wait 40 days.

I did what any computer geek would do and added a countdown to my URL favorites. Each morning at work I'd check it and get all excited as the days ticked away.

I did google searches to find out what to expect during my first RE appt. They weren't helpful.

So I decided to create an intention for the meeting.

What did I want to accomplish?

Besides the obvious of being taken back to a secret room and magically leaving my first appt knocked up... That was way too obvious of a goal.

I wanted to be taken seriously.

I didn't want to be told to wait until I'd been trying for a year. I didn't want to be told to lose weight (that 45lbs I lost in preparation for our wedding crept right back on as soon as I went off birth control - even though I tried not to change my diet). I didn't want to be told I was imagining things and didn't have PCOS. I didn't want to be dismissed as too young, not deserving of her time.

I wanted Clomid.

To me, Clomid is either the get pregnant quick pill or a gateway drug to IVF.
To my doctor, Clomid is the first line of treatment to induce ovulation.

Clomid works in the hypothalamus where it competes for estrogen binding sites. When these sites are occupied by the Clomid, the hypothalamus responds by producing more GnRH Gonadotropin-releasing hormone which tells the pituitary to produce FSH follicle stimulating horomone which signals an immature ovarian follicle to grow.

Regardless of the scientific reasons why it worked, I wanted to try it. So I explained to Dr. A that I had been charting and taking opks during the previous 4 cycles (ranging from 40-65 days each) and hadn't ovulated. I referred her to the ultrasound that I had sent over from my general practitioner and explained some startling genetic infertility issues: My aunt (mother's sister) had many symptoms of PCOS in her 20's and suffered from premature ovarian failure and menopause at 27. My great grandmother (my mother's father's mother) also had premature ovarian failure and entered menopause in her early thirties. To me, time was of the essence given my family history.

Then she said the words - Lets try Clomid.
After that there was talk of having my husband come back in for a semen analysis, using ovulation predictor pee sticks to schedule a mid cycle scan just before ovulating, and using Provera to bring on my period.

Thankfully my husband was in the room and paid attention to everything else Dr. A said. I was just so happy - I wasn't going to have to waste my time anymore! I wasn't going to have to take temperature everyday of an annovulatory cycle just to prove I wasn't ovulating.

I was taking my first leap towards becoming a mother.

Introduction

2009-05-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

My name is Carla and I have PCOS.
If you have the occasion to visit Youtube.com, I post videos as thebubblelush. It might help you to have a mental image of my beauty as you read these posts.

I'm 25 years old married to my 28 year old sweetheart Christopher. We met during the blissful summer of 2002 - Summer oh two as we refer to it - after a Britney Spears concert.
Chris hates it when I start our story like that. Let me back up.

I grew up on a small goat farm in Oregon. I was a bright and involved in the community, an overachiever really: Graduated with honors from my local high school, was a state ambassador for the 4H program, volunteered at the soup kitchen and local animal shelter on a regular basis, and attended church almost every Sunday. The bookcases in my childhood room are lined with trophies - bowling, Best Horsemanship from summer camp, 4H, elaborate ribbons in numerous categories. There are pictures of me in spandex with a volleyball perched on my knee, and in a short tennis skirt with a racquet swung back. There are my formal sorority pictures with the black velvet cape and pearls around my neck consistent in every picture, but you can see the progression from teenager to woman in a mere four years. Throughout my parent's house are my college graduation pictures some with the black cape, board and tassel and certificate, other in a teal cashmere sweater with a freshly cut and styled bob of blonde hair. Both commemorated the fact that not only was I the first woman to obtain a college degree in my mother's family, and the first graduate period on my father's, but I had graduated Magna Sum Laude from a prestigious Engineering College with a BS in Chemical Engineering.

I was truly the model daughter and my parents were very proud of me. I'm no where near as perfect today, but this blog will go into such detail about my shortcomings that you really should know that I once was great at everything I tried.

I attended a small private college in Massachusetts where the male to female ratio of my class was 7:1. As we said, the odds were good, but the goods were odd. During my freshman year I rushed a sorority and that spring I was initiated as a sister. I decided to work in one of the University's labs during that summer and lived in the off campus sorority house. It was my first summer in a humid climate, and every day, after wrapping up the morning's experiments, my sisters and I would spend the afternoon lounging in a wading pool set up on the front porch. In the evenings we'd throw on a denim skirt, tank top and Doc Martin sandals and attend a low key party at one of the 11 fraternities.

In June of 2002, the two campus sororities combined efforts on a group fundraiser - to work concession stands at Britney's concert. Note - this was the Dream within a Dream tour which was good - nay, fabulous - not one of the later dismal tours. At the start of her set we were allowed to close up the stand and then watch the concert. She was amazing. At the end of the concert, two of my sisters and I walked back to campus and stopped at their favorite fraternity to rave about the concert.

It was there, in the foyer, that I met my husband Chris.

He went by his last name, now our last name, and I immediately realized that I had been reading his blog for months now. I knew that he grew up in Minnesota and loved Oreos and was paying his way through school by working various temp jobs. But I had no idea that his eyes sparkled when he smiled or that he was so charismatic that I would dump all my preconceived notions of what "my type" was - including my current boyfriend - to pursue a relationship with him.

Halloween 2002 - Twins

He was my polar opposite. While I could be pretty vivacious when surrounded by my boisterous sisters, when with strangers I was much more soft spoken. He was loud when in a room full of strangers, yet had a quiet confidence with friends. He fit the definition of a dirt hippy - smoking cloves, wearing an aged Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts and tevas. He didn't just live in the fraternity, but he lived in the party room at the top floor with the private balcony and only sheets push pinned into the ceiling for walls between sleeping areas. Later in our relationship, I would step on the hem of said curtains in a hungover state and rip down the wall between my half dressed self and the boys playing game cube in the living area. So much for being discreet.

I say that for the first year, we didn't even like each other. I say this half jokingly. He was so different from the other guys I dated, that wined and dined me and took me home to meet mom and dad (because I'm totally the type of girl you'd bring home to mom and dad). On our first date Chris' card was denied and I had to go back to the car and pay for the meal with my parent's credit card. He was mortified. I understood that he was trying.

Soon he couldn't balance school and work anymore and dropped out. He still lived at the fraternity and a brother hooked him up with a job stocking shelves at night. We never saw each other and it was a tough first year together. I got the opportunity to study abroad in Germany Summer 03 and the distance made me aware of how much I loved him. The following spring I studied abroad in Denmark. It was hard to experience this whole new world and not share it with him. Upon returning to the states we took some time off and I spent the summer of 2004 single.
By the time I returned to school my Senior year we were back together and that spring, after graduating, we decided to move into an apartment together halfway between our college town where Chris was still working at the grocery store but had moved up to a full time position, and Boston where my new job as an environmental engineer was located.

It was a cute two story townhouse with a large master bedroom and his & her walk-in closets. I feel that these closets saved our relationship during that difficult transition. In all the combining of our things, we each had one space that was our own. Chris continued to excel at his job and I quickly became aware that my job as an environmental consultant was not going to save the planet but merely spend as little money possible to protect the public opinion of polluting companies. 8 months later in the spring of 2006 I quit my job and became a nanny.

This was a perfectly natural transition to me, but many others were left shaking their heads. Chris and I had now been together for almost 4 years and an engagement was no where to be seen. Spending my days with a beautiful baby allowed me time to reassess my career goals and quiet the internal clock that was starting to tick at the age of 23. Chris and I were so in love. With the stress of my job gone, we spent the summer of 2006 taking small vacations to Ft. Lauderdale and Vegas and enjoyed the freedom that comes with steady paychecks and low rent.

Chris' 25th Birthday - 2005

It was shortly after I quit my job that I lost health insurance and thus my birth control prescription so we made sure to use condoms. I noticed my weight increased as did the length of my menstrual cycles. Years earlier I had seen an Internist during a particularly bad urinary tract infection and he mentioned that I displayed many symptoms of PCOS. I quickly put this information in the back of my mind, but months later, when I started birth control, all the symptoms he mentioned had disappeared and I figured his diagnosis was wrong.

Little did I know that this actually reinforced his suspicion.

Christmas of 2006 we found out that Chris' employer had an opening at a Portland store and we decided to accept the position and move back to my home state of Oregon. The following spring we began settling in to life in the Pacific Northwest. That fall we got engaged during a hot air balloon ride in Napa. I got back on birth control right about the same time I started trying to lose weight for my upcoming nuptials. By August of 2008 I was down 45lbs and looked and felt wonderful at our gorgeous vineyard wedding. Upon tying the knot we decided to immediately begin trying to start a family. In fact, we were so serious that I discontinued using birth control the day after we returned from our honeymoon.

Grand Enterance at our Wedding - 2008

When Chris and I began talking about starting a family, I remembered what my doctor had mentioned about PCOS and realized that all of my symptoms when off birth control - weigh gain, months without a period, the occasional strange hair on my breasts - were all indicators of the endocrine disorder. More importantly, my mother and aunt were both diagnosed with diabetes that year and PCOS has an element of insulin resistance. I realized that a hunch from 5 years before could be the roadblock to creating the family that Chris and I dreamed about.

When we began trying to conceive I warned Chris and it would be a journey and asked him to educate himself with me about the hurdles we would be facing. I began taking my basal body temperature every morning and tracking for any discernible pattern. Comparing my chart to those in the books made it clear that this was going to be harder than I thought.

I approached my general practitioner about my belief that I had PCOS and asked to schedule an ultrasound and get a referral to a fertility specialist. She was hesitant to do this based on my 'research' but she humored me and made the appointments.

You'll find in reading my blog that I believe in educating yourself, being your own advocate and taking charge of your fertility.

10 days later I was laying on the table and saw the classic 'string of pearls' cysts during an ultrasound of both ovaries. I felt vindicated. And determined. There was a challenge laid out before me and I knew I was going to succeed because I knew exactly what I was facing.
I knew the steps that I was going to have to take. I knew in my heart that I would eventually be a mother but my journey would be a little longer than other's.

I'm not sure how long it will be, but I know that there are other's in the same position as me and maybe someone else can learn a thing or two and take a shortcut in their journey to become a mother.
Helping someone spend one less day with the weight of infertility would make this all worth it.